My Adventure with Microdosing: An Anticlimactic Tale

If you follow me on twitter, you may have seen me tweeting recently that I was experimenting with microdosing L S D (spaces there to avoid AIs finding illicit info on my site and shutting me down lol, not that I’m usually trying that hard). One tweeter took umbrage with this, warning me to be careful to protect my brain meats and intelligence. But the rest of twitter reasonably asked me to report back on the results, so here I am doing so! I have great news for the concerned man of twitter: not only did microdosing seemingly not destroy my brain, it really did nothing of note at all.

To be fair, I did not experiment much with doses or how many days I was spacing it out because, frankly, I got bored with the process. First, I’ll give some basic info on this process:

A friend of mine gifted me with 2 100mg tabs, which is the traditional dose for 2 people. I first tested the product to make sure it was pure after procuring a lab test from this company. It is always, always a good idea to test your product if you can! But I personally chose to because I am extremely sensitive to amphetamines, and wanted to make sure this product did not contain any as it is common for lab created products to contain substances that they should not. Luckily, my tabs were not tainted in such a way, so I moved forward with the project! I obtained distilled water to dilute the tabs—it is critical to use distilled water so that you are not adding other chemicals into the mix, as they can mess the product and make it uh… non-reactive? I’m not a science words expert so I’m sure that sentence is all fucked up. Important point is that distilled water is a must.

I diluted each tab in individual bottles, one with 10mg of water and the other (the one I used a small portion of to test the product) with 9mg of water. I then wrapped these bottles in tin foil since sunlight can also damage the potency of the product. In order to microdose, I first experimented with a 1mg dose from the 10mg bottle. The effects are supposed to be sub-perceptual so I felt that this dose was a little too high for me, since I found myself lightly tripping at PetCo about an hour later. Feeling all the love in the world for the ferrets, lizards and fish housed there—which is not uncommon for me in a PetCo, but it felt a little over the top as compared to usual. But if I’m being quite honest here that was actually my favorite experience of microdosing! Maybe I need to trip a little to truly appreciate the effects.

After that I tried a .7mg dose, and then moved to .8mg dose when it felt like the .7mg dose did nothing. Oh, and I was dosing every 3 days, as recommended. 1 day on and 2 days off, repeat. I also felt that the .8mg dose did nothing, so I went back to 1mg and again… felt nothing. Like I said it’s supposed to be sub-perceptual, so I was not expecting to feel anything but also it didn’t seem to have any perceptual benefit. It is supposed to be useful for depression, productivity and creativity. I’m not typically a depressive person, but I was going through a difficult period with my dog taking a turn for the worse and finally passing away as I was doing this microdosing experiment. Grief is a very important emotion to experience and not something I would have wanted to not feel, and I suppose it could be argued that my grief process was very natural and normal for me so maybe it helped with that? I can’t be certain.

As far as the productivity and creativity went, I saw no change in my levels of either. I’m a high-functioning person by my standards already, and my productivity was not helped nor hindered by microdosing. I do struggle to have the creative output that I would like to be having currently, but I did not find that microdosing made a difference on that. In fact, I am doing better with creative output now that I am not microdosing, but I think the reason for that is completely unrelated; I’m trying (and succeeding) to hold myself to a almost daily writing practice. It would seem that just a little bit of discipline and not drug experimentation was what was needed here, so that’s a real bummer [insert laugh-cry emoji].

So, I finished that first 10mg bottle, but decided to save the 9mg for a close to full dose on as-of-yet-unknown special future date. My final report on microdosing? It was an interesting experiment, but I didn’t feel any positive or negative effect from it. Everyone’s brain and body chemistry is different, though! So don’t allow this to stop you from trying it if you’re interested. Just be sure to do your research, test your product and be safe! One thing I would recommend doing differently from me, if you do try it, is upping the dose or increasing the amount of days you’re taking it. Good luck friends! I support you destroying your brain meats if that’s what you want, or you know just carefully trying something not yet FDA approved.

Why Do You Have So Many Pictures on Your Body?!

Recently, I was sitting in my local coffee shop and was approached by an older woman who was probably mildly (or maybe severely?) demented. I live in a Maryland area suburb of DC right now, and a lot of the other people who live here are conservative and religious, and I believe she was probably both of those as well. She was very interested in my tattoos, and was muttering about them when she asked, “are you married?” To which I answered, “yes.” I think she was looking for me to say “no,” so that she could let me know that no man would ever want to marry me with all 11 of my tattoos making me so unattractive, but since I answered that I am in fact married she then asked me “why do you have so many pictures on your body?!” All I could think to say was “because I like them.” My partner was actually sitting behind us during this whole conversation, in one of the comfy chairs (I prefer to sit at a table) and he heard the whole thing and I could see him laughing the whole time. If only she knew the true story of my life and our marriage!

I got my first tattoo, a black cat on my ankle, not long after my 18th birthday. My parents would not consent to me getting a tattoo at a younger age, even though I asked them for permission several times. They were worried about my health, the pain, and yes, the way society would view me as a woman with a tattoo. My mom was convinced I would never be able to find a job, but I did prove her wrong several times on that one. I don’t think either she nor I could have predicted that my tattoos would end up making me the sort of money that I make today! Not that it’s my tattoos alone that are tantalizing y’all, and I have definitely heard from some of you that you see me in spite of them ha ha. Word to the wise on that one: it’s info you can keep to yourself! Along with armpit hair, bush or shaved head comments. Or really any comments on anyone’s body and aesthetic choices! I mean this in the kindest possible way, but it’s just not something I care to hear about.

Whether it’s my tattoos, my hair in some places or lack of hair in others, make up or no make up, or any of these aesthetic choices I have made about the appearance I project into the world, I made them for a reason. Since this post is about tattoos specifically, I thought I would share some of those reasons:

  • I love the way tattoos look on other people, and can remember being fascinated by them from a very young age

  • My body image hasn’t always been great, and tattoos were a way for me to take control and change my appearance in positive ways that felt good to me

  • I find the process of getting them painful, yes, but also therapeutic

  • I actually do want people to judge me as being different, alternative, unique, and queer

  • I like art, and I like giving artists money

  • I care very little about my employment or marriage prospects, and I want people to know that’s where I stand

  • I LIKE TATTOOS, simple as that

    I suppose my point with all this is just to say that the reasons behind my tattoos are personal and I don’t have regrets. I will very likely be getting more, even though I keep saying the pain is too difficult for me to deal with now that I’m 100 years old (38). But I do have plans to get a back piece that represents the four seasons, expanding out of the snowflake I have back there that represents my love of winter and the time I spent living in Sapporo. And, even more controversially, I am planning on shaving my head and getting a scalp tattoo because I like the way that looks! No other reason.

    If you’re like me and you like tattoos but haven’t gotten one yet out of fear of pain or judgment or anything else, I definitely encourage you to consider getting one. But also support your decision not to, if you do decide not to. If you don’t like tattoos then why are you reading my blog?! Just kidding. But I would ask you to consider the way that female and queer bodies have continually been policed and controlled throughout time whenever you feel like sharing your aesthetic opinions on my body or others. Consider my tattoos a message that I cannot and will not be controlled.



    (I’m very mad about how the formatting of this post worked out, but I can’t figure out how to fix it so there’s another aesthetic “choice” you can kindly choose not to comment on!)

Awkward Sex is Awesome Sex (and it Happens to Everyone!)

Confession time: I’m an awkward person. I’m shy and I have social anxiety. When people first meet me they don’t always notice, or they think “wow, this chick is so confident!” and I’m here to tell you that whatever confidence or ease I may present is all learned. And of course others meet me and still think I seem pretty damn nervous!

No matter the level of confidence any particular individual legitimately has or is faking, I have some news for you: sex is going to be awkward. Pretty much always. I have had sex with hundreds of people, not to brag, and there is usually at least one moment in every sexual encounter that doesn’t look like the movies. Unless it’s a movie with awkward characters having awkward sex, but even then those scenes lack authenticity (to me).

I decided to write a blog post declaring that I love awkward sex, because I love (almost all) sex and because I have had so many sex partners worry about me judging them for those less-than-perfect sex moments. Which always surprises me since at least half those moments tend to stem from my own awkwardness! But let me assure you: awkward sex is normal and just as great as all the other sorts of sex.

Personally, I love to laugh during sex. I love to ham it up. I love to be weird and suffer from being too earnest most of the time, so having a silly, messy or ridiculous time in bed is such a relief. There’s a time and a place for soulful, romantic gazing sex. Or hardcore porny sex. Or all the different kinds of sex wrapped into one experience! Honestly, though, sweet and comfy and funny sex is definitely a favorite for me. It’s OK to make a silly face, fall off the bed, or even fart (though hopefully not in my face, if you can help it!).

All I ever want from any sexual experience is for everyone involved to have fun, feel safe and enjoy spending time with everyone involved. To me, that is the true and pure meaning of sex! Human connection. It’s not a competition, it’s not a game, and we don’t need to be movie or porn stars. As my gym teacher used to say: “if you had fun, you won!”

My Obsession with Final Fantasy X

I was born in the year 1981, which led to me being the perfect age to be targeted for Nintendo Entertainment System sales. My parents spoiled me rotten so I think I was about 7 or 8 when they gave in and bought me an NES, and then a few years later the SNES came out and I discovered a little game called Final Fantasy II that basically changed my life and made me who I am today. Of course, this blog post is about Final Fantasy X and not Final Fantasy II, but I feel like I will probably need to talk about the whole series throughout this post so why not start at the beginning?

I have played every Final Fantasy game other than XI and XIV (both were MMORPGs, which I’m not into), and quite a few of the spin offs from the main series. Many of them are among my top favorite games; Final Fantasy II (US) IV (Japan) takes you to the moon and is a great early example of JRPG excellence, Final Fantasy III (US) VI (Japan) has the best cast of characters ever featured in a JRPG, and Final Fantasy VII is a cyberpunk classic with one of the most bizarre stories ever conceived. But Final Fantasy X stood out to me, and still does, both because it was the first Final Fantasy game to have fully rendered three-dimensional environments, and also because it featured a love story that spoke to my romantic 20-year-old soul.

When I play games I am often looking for an experience where I can really lose myself in the characters and the story, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever found a game that delivered as well on both as Final Fantasy X did. I also really enjoy the gameplay on it, as well! And not gonna lie— I like it because I find it user friendly, self-explanatory and easy. There is just enough of a challenge to keep you playing, but you don’t have to spend a lot of time grinding to level up your characters or trying a million different strategies to beat a boss until you eventually luck out. One of the things I find most fun about the gameplay is the ability to switch out characters mid-battle, so that you can utilize their unique abilities as needed, since it is traditional in JRPGs to only be able to switch characters in your party on the world map or at a save point.

While the protagonist of Final Fantasy X, Tidus, is a dude, I loved that there were several strong female characters in this game. The story revolves more around Summoner Yuna, a young woman who is ready to give her life in exchange for 10 years of a peace on her planet, Spira. Every 10 years a giant, whale-like monster named Sin wrecks havoc in the form of seaborn natural disasters all over the world, and especially in tiny island villages. And every 10 years a new batch of summoners compete to defeat Sin, bringing 10 years of peace until Sin is reborn again— but they must give their life in order to defeat the monster. Yuna is an amazing character, and arguably the strongest or most necessary fighter in the game as she fulfills the role of both summoner and healer. Her best friend/ mentor/ sister figure Lulu is a goth lesbians wet dream, and also a powerful fighter as the only black mage in the game. And her cousin Rikku fulfills the roles of alchemist, thief, comedic relief and representative of an oppressed racial and social class within the world of Spira. If you love strong female characters, I cannot recommend either this title or it’s sequel, Final Fantasy X2, enough. FF X2 features Yuna, Rikku and a new friend named Paine to compose an all girl team. A rarity in video games!

I haven’t done a ton of research on this, but I know both FF X and FF X2 get some hate from diehard, toxically masculine gamers for being too easy and too girly. All the more reason to like them, I say! Final Fantasy X definitely has a few issues, as well, and if you really love to be challenged and hate story or cut scenes it might not be a good choice for you. But in my opinion the softness is what really makes X work as well as it does, and what makes X2 endearing despite it’s numerous flaws.

So what are the downsides to Final Fantasy X? Not much in my opinion! Sometimes the rendering is weird, and it has grown especially clunky with time as video game graphics have continued to advance. Sometimes the voices and the lip movements don’t match up, if you’re playing the game in English (and I do! Maybe I should try it in Japanese sometime though ha ha, I might learn that dang language better). Some side quests are boring, and Blitzball is a whole annoying thing. Tidus, the protagonist, is a whiny emo butthole, but I like him anyway! The final battle is not challenging at all, and in fact it’s impossible to die during so it’s really the 2nd to to last battle that should be considered the true last. The ending might make you cry. I didn’t the first time I played it, but I did once several years later when replaying it and going through some shit™.

Final Fantasy X and X2 are available as a package deal on the Switch right now, plus you can get them for just about any Playstation 2-4 and I think on computers now? I’ll be downloading the Switch versions soon. If anyone ever wanted to hire me solely to watch them play this game, or watch me play it, or just talk about it, I would be so so down. I plan to some day make a Lulu cosplay outfit. Well maybe. So many belts!

Only Fans

I wanted to write a brief post to let everyone know that I now have an account on Only Fans! You can follow me there for $12.99 a month, and gain exclusive access to content not seen anywhere else. The entirety of my recent shoot with Hello Miss is there, including some semi-explicit shots. I will also be posting exclusive selfies and videos there, in addition to some of favorite adult clips that I have up on Many Vids and Amateur Porn. This is a perfect option for anyone who is a fan of the work I do, and all the free content I release on twitter, instagram and this site. Consider yourself a patron of my arts!

Click on the pic below to get linked to my Only Fans page!

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Denver Tourism Guide

With my next tour coming up in my hometown of Denver this May 14-21 (2019), I figured I do a little tourism blog post for anyone traveling in Denver and looking for things to do. Rather than focusing on the most popular Denver tourism experiences, though, I thought I would focus on some of my favorite places from my childhood that still exist. There’s a few of them and I want to celebrate them before gentrification eats them up, as well!

(Side note: I think many of these locations are not technically in Denver, but close enough. They are all Colorado favorites that any Denverite will tell you is essential to the experience of both the city and the state).

Casa Bonita

Casa Bonita is more than just a Mexican restaurant with pretty bad food. You might ask yourself, “why would I ever go to a restaurant with terrible food?” And I’m here to tell you why: cliff divers. Live shows. An arcade. A gift shop. Black Bart’s cave. And the sopapillas are not bad, free and unlimited, though I wouldn’t recommend eating too many unless you want to add layers to the the stomach ache you might already incur from your main meal. There’s also margaritas if that’s your thing!

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The reason that the food is so bad here is because it’s served cafeteria style, and when you combine the fact that the meal is basically your entry admission and it’s buying you SO MUCH JOY then it’s also kind of cheap. The last time I went they were still using cheese whiz as enchilada filling. But if the fact that I went here for both my 4th birthday party and my high school graduation is any indication, Casa Bonita is a Denver landmark not to be missed! This is a perfect place to take kids, it’s for kids, but you know what? It’s a perfect place for the kid inside you too!

Lakeside Amusement Park

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Lakeside is definitely one of my favorite places on this planet. The parking is free, the admission is cheap, unlimited rides are also cheap, and as far as I know no one has ever died there despite some of the rides seeming pretty old and maybe barely operating. Actually, there was once a speedway there and I think I heard a rumor that people may have died racing cars there? I don’t remember. The race track closed in 1988 but is still on site and super spooky looking.

Lakeside was built in 19-0-freaking-8, and was originally called White City as it was one of several amusement park inspired by the Chicago World’s Fair that were built across America around the turn of the century. During the 1930s several renovations were made and the park took on an art deco style. I am excited to report that the art deco style remains today and it is a really good vibe. Of course, since the place is so cheap the maintenance of all these very old art deco stuff has not be great. But I actually love that- it gives the place a horror movie sort of feel. Lakeside was in fact used as inspiration in the video games Silent Hill and Silent Hill 3 (though the park featured in those games looks different). Charming? If you’re me, yes! Definitely!

If you’re not into amusement and thrills it’s still a really lovely place to just hang out on a warm summer evening. But if you are into rides there are some really fucking good ones that are guaranteed to scare and delight you. The Cyclone, a large wooden roller coaster (and historic landmark coaster! Built in 1940) is probably my favorite, but I also love the train that goes around Lake Rhoda (great for making out with a sweetie), the Wild Chipmunk (great for shitting your pants), and the Crystal Palace, which is a hall of mirrors that has a very vintage feel. The carousel is still the original from 1908, and has many different types of animals you can ride on vs. just horses. This is also a real good place to take kids! There’s a kiddie park with lots of rides for little friends.

Adventure Golf
A popular time-wasting destination for nothern-Denver-area-suburnan teenagers, Adventure Golf & Raceway is the place to go if you need to have all of your vaguely Indiana Jones themed mini golf dreams made reality!

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Hit a neon colored golf ball into the dude above, and he’ll either shoot water at you with a pithy insult ~or~ shoot fireballs into the sky!

Obviously, the full name tells us that there are also go-karts here, but I’ve never tried them because the mini golf is all consuming for me. Every other mini golf course I’ve been to is a huge disappointment in comparison to this one. I’m not saying it’s like REAL amazing either, but it’s got 3 solid courses with some sort of, uh, theme to each? I guess? And flowers and friendly bees and light competition amongst friend/ frenemies.

Crown Hill Cemetary (for goths) and Park (for non-goths)
I wasn’t exactly a typical goth in high school, more a pastel or thrift goth. But I was very into cemeteries and would sometimes just go to Crown Hill for no reason at all. I don’t have any relatives buried or otherwise kept there, I just like it! There are a ton of pretty massive and overwrought graves and memorials there, with the crown jewel (get it?!) of the cemetery being the Tower of Memories, a huge masoleum full of Italian Mob members.

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The above view of the Tower of Memories is from the adjacent park, also called Crown Hill, but you can see this tower from lots of points all over Wheat Ridge, Arvada, Lakewood and Denver. The park is arguably a better place to go, especially if you don’t have an appreciation for the macabre and do have an appreciation for wildlife. There is a man-made lake that is about a mile to walk around, and a lovely place to go for a stroll, jog, or roller skate. The path around the lake branches off into a wildlife preserve as well, or at least it did at some point! I think they might occassionally close that preserve to humans because we are destroyers of everything beautiful and lovely in this world.


This was a fun blog post to write! Hope you enjoyed a brief tour of some of my favorite Denver area hang outs. Maybe I’ll do another tourism guide soon.

My Favo(u)rite Movie! A Review

My very good friend Inari Popcorn recently invited me out to see a little film called The Favourite. I didn’t know anything about the movie other than the fact that Olivia Colman won the best actress Oscar for it this year, and I love her so of course I agreed to go. If you aren’t familiar with Olivia Colman, I suggest checking out everything she’s ever done because she’s incredible. I first discovered her on a show called Peep Show, which is a British comedy, and I think it’s on either Netflix or Hulu if you’d like to check it out. Which you should. As well as Broadchurch. And also The Night Manager. (She will also be playing older Queen Elizabeth in the next season of The Crown! So Excited!)

Anyhow, the title of this blog post is misleading; it’s not my favorite movie ever, but it is my favorite movie I have seen since several weeks ago at least. It’s so good! There you go, review over: go see this movie it is so good.

Just kidding, I do have more to say about it but from now on there will be spoilers so beware! I’m not sure if I enjoyed this movie more because I knew nothing about it, but I was definitely pleasantly surprised. I was expecting a period drama with some comedy, and what I got was a LESBIAN PERIOD DARK COMEDY which really hit the spot for me.

What I absolutely loved about this particular sapphic flick, and what it really set it apart from other queer films, was the fact that it was not a romance movie. Olivia Colman plays Queen Anne, the early 18th century British monarch, and Rachel Weisz plays Sarah Churchill, a duchess who has all but taken over ruling due to Queen Anne’s failing health, and who is also her court favorite- in more ways than one wink wink nudge nudge. Theirs is definitely a loving relationship, a bit romantic even, but is clear that this movie is all about the power dynamics of their relationship and not romance. Emma Stone plays Abigail Masham (née Hill) Sarah’s cousin who’s father sold her to pay off a gambling debt. She asks Sarah to employ her as a scullery maid in the palace, and eventually works her way into a position of being the Queen’s maid of the bed chamber- in more ways than one wink wink NUDGE NUDGE! Both women vying to be the Queen’s favorite care way less about the Queen herself than they do their position within the court and society, and let me just say that I think it’s important to see queer stories that are about things besides love. Love is lovely, but there is so much more intricacy to human connection that should be explored in art!

All 3 of these performances are incredible, and all 3 women are radiant and exquisite. I think that Queen Anne is not supposed to be seen as beautiful in this movie, or at least that some might not view her that way. But I personally found her beautiful! Rachel Weisz really kills it with a top notch boss attitude and masculine riding/ shooting outfits. Emma Stone is her always adorable and gorgeous self— I just love her facial expressions, she is fantastic at emoting. Nicholas Hoult is also in this movie, and he gives a great performance as well- but the best thing about his character are the increasing elaborate moles drawn on his face. Hearts, stars… is that a lion?

There is a dance scene that is reason enough alone to see this movie, and I’m not even sure how to describe it. You know how many period films have a dance scene, and the dances often seem very stuffy and boring and just not how we dance today? Well, this scene was, shall we say, choreographed a little differently and with a few modern touches. There were actually several subtle anachronistic elements that I very much appreciated— lace that was obviously laser cut, other fabrics that didn’t exist in the early 18th century, and the fact that the queen had pet rabbits in gilded cages. There were so many clever, small touches that I know I missed a lot.

In case you couldn’t tell from the fact I wrote a whole blog post about it, I loved this film and you might consider it required viewing for impressing me. I would love to talk to everyone about it! I will likely watch it again and again throughout my life, thus is the impact it has had on me.

What I'm Reading, Watching and Playing February 2019

Hey, it’s February! My favorite month of the year, though not based on the weather. It’s my favorite because it’s when I was born, and since it’s a short month I usually make everyone celebrate my birthday with me every single day in February. This year I turn 38, and I am happy to announce that my advanced age has not stopped me from enjoying various multi-media based distractions. Here’s some brief reviews on the media that I have been enjoying, or at least ingesting, recently.

Books

I just finished The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides, which I received as part of a Book of the Month club I joined to try to keep myself reading this year. It was OK, definitely a page turner but not one that blew me away. There was a lot of cliches in it, and I especially hated the diary entries written by the Silent Patient herself (who is not the main character). They came off as very unrealistic, not at all what a person would write in a diary. Unless of course they were anticipating that a person might read that diary later when trying to solve a crime, and part of me thinks I should start writing my journals that way just for fun. Leave all sorts of red herrings and foreshadowing for the absolute 0% of detectives or psychologists reading my journals in the future.

I am now reading the first book in the Southern Reach Trilogy, Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer. I started reading it because I watched the movie that was based on it, and I loved the movie but several friends told me it was tragically bad when compared to the book. So far I agree! Annihilation is beautifully and carefully written, and keeps you wanting to read with it’s dream-like descriptions and interesting characters. There is a sense of discomfort when reading it, as well, that everything is deeply wrong but you’re just as confused as to why just like the characters are. I love it. I also have a book on the craft of writing fiction that is by Jeff VanderMeer, and now that I’m actually reading some fiction that he wrote I’m so glad that I have that book too! It’s called Wonderbook or something like that I think.

TV

Can we just take a minute to talk about The Americans and how much I love that damn show? OK, good I’m glad we can! Because I love that damn show. I was holding off on watching the 5th and 6th seasons for reasons I don’t remember, but I did catch up and then I had to restart watching the series from the beginning. The intrigue! The wigs! The sex scenes! Matthew Rhys’ angry face! It’s too much. If you haven’t seen the series I can’t recommend it enough, especially for those of you who like spy shit, sex work shit (lots of cross over between the spy life and the escort life, not even kidding), 80s shit, or Washington DC shit (I happen to like all 4).

There are 2 things that really make this show work, though: thing the first is that it’s well written and paced, if a bit far fetched at times. No spy’s life is as intense as what our Soviet protoganists experience in the span of like… idk I think like 5-7 years over the course of the series? But it doesn’t matter because it’s fun and horrifying. The 2nd factor is the chemistry between Keri Russel and Matthew Rhys, who had to get married in real life because their chemistry was so good. I love watching them together, a very believable couple because well they are a couple as it turns out!

Another thing I’m watching is Blue Planet II, a BBC docuseries about ocean life and how humans are killing everything so that’s sad and I can’t actually recommend it for that reason. But it’s also cute and amazing so I can recommend it for those reasons! The ocean is full of aliens and we don’t need to investigate space when we have such a rich area of discovery here on our own planet.

Video Games

I’m like 130 hours into Xenoblade Chronicles 2 now, just in case you were wondering where my life has gone. I started playing it several months ago and kind of found it overwhelming at first, especially since I like to smoke a little cannabis when gaming and the battle system seems complex. And, tragically, you cannot access a tutorial again after the game first shows it to you! But I got the hang of it and wow, it’s very engrossing. I could play it from another 130 hours and maybe I will. Collecting rare blades and going on all of their various side quests is addictive, and I can’t stop laughing at the way some of the anime titties move around in this game. It’s hypnotizing!

I am also playing Pokemon: Let’s Go Eevee! currently and while I wasn’t impressed with it at first, it did grow on me. I didn’t like that you no longer fought wild pokemon in order to catch them, but I was just being a stick in the mud. There are still plenty of battles to experience in the game, and catching with your Switch controllers can be fun! I also love the feature that allows you to have one of your pokemon follow you, or with bigger pokemon sometimes you can ride them! Super cute. And I get to dress up my Eevee, what more could I really ask for. I don’t like it as much as other pokemon games I’ve played, but it gets the job done. Oh! And i love have James and Jessie back in a game! I always ‘shipped them as queer best friends.

So that’s what I’ve been up to these past few months! Other than moving to Maryland, working out, writing, and the usual nonsense of course!

Mild Disabilities

Writing about disability often feels risky when your profession is one that requires a certain amount of physicality and energy. Throughout my 6.5 years as a companion I have written about my disabilities at certain times, then retreated into a space of not writing or talking about them. It has never really hurt my business to talk frankly about my health— if anything it has improved it. The current independent companion market is one that demands authenticity and vulnerability, or at least the illusion of those, but I don’t necessarily want to encourage that trend. I don’t necessarily want to be viewed as using my disability for branding (though certainly I am doing that, but the reasons behind me making that choice are complex and personal). I don’t want to be anyone’s inspiration porn, I just want to be people’s porn porn. I don’t want anyone to think this is risky for me to share for the wrong reasons.

I am mildly disabled. When I was born it was discovered that I had a congenital hip dysplasia, and I had to be in a cast that kept my legs in a frog-like position for the first several months of my life. Following that I wore a cowboy brace on and off for the first several years of my life, and learned to walk wearing that brace (they weren’t sure I would be able to walk, but I was). I was also diagnosed with hypotonic cerebral palsy at 2, and had to go to physical therapy for a year and some change to learn how to chew, swallow, hold my head up and balance while walking. In addition, I was admitted to an alternative public preschool program (I ended up attending the same school k-12) where the teachers agreed to give me special assistance with balance and walking. All and all, I grew into a fully and properly formed hip that did not need surgery, the ability to eat without assistance, and an ability to almost balance like a normal person (one reason I still don’t wear heels too often is this!). The fact that I was dealt a difficult learning curve in order to “fit in” has stuck with me throughout my life, though, and I believe that my fairly severe anxiety disorder partially stems from early experiences with these disabilities that I don’t quite remember. In addition to an actual serotonin deficiency, of course, but no one really knows if anxiety comes from serotonin deficiency or if anxiety causes it.

I was recently sorting through some of my storage bins and found medical records from my early childhood, some which had notes from physical therapists and also a few tests that were done on me to determine whether or not I had a “normal” IQ (I was quiet and shy and some people in my life were concerned I might be, well, r*tarded was the word they used in the paperwork) (this was the early 80s). One thing that really struck me as I went through these records was how focused all the adults in my life were on getting me to a less disabled place so I could participate in society, such as it is, even at the tender ages of 2 and 3. One physical therapist wrote something along the lines of (this is paraphrased): “[name redacted] is a pleasant child who wants to do well, but she becomes whiny when tired or frustrated.” This was written about me when I was 3, and I had to laugh because that is still true to this day! It is true for most adults, as it is true for most 3 year olds. Was I being admonished by someone whose job it was to help me cope with my disability for sometimes being cranky? In different records it was also noted that my mom “acknowledges that she feels overprotective of [name redacted].” I’d hate to see what medical professionals write about people with more severe disabilities, though perhaps they are kinder?

This diminishment of disability into bad attitude has followed me throughout my life, and unfortunately I am just as guilty of doing it to myself as other people are of gaslighting me around my health. One thing I deal with as an adult, and don’t talk about a lot, is chronic fatigue. I’ve tried several different doctors, healers and treatments over the years but have not found any secret trick to having more energy— other than taking the amount of time my body actually feels like it needs to rest! Which is more than average. I’ve been taught over and over again to believe that this fatigue is mental, that it’s related to depression or insomnia (it probably is related to the latter, but I also haven’t found any cure to that other than allowing myself to sleep in until 10am or noon). If I just take the right combination of vitamins, eat right, drink water, get regular acupuncture, exercise, the energy will come! Just lose/ gain some weight. Try yoga. Make your bed first thing in the morning and declutter your closet. Eliminate coffee, eliminate drugs and praise the lord. Quit whorin. Repent.

This is such an insidious thought pattern, and one that is foisted on people with real diagnosis’ and complaints again and again by doctors and other health industry professionals. It teaches us all that it’s our own fault if we don’t feel at maximum capitalist productivity, vs. the fault of a system that doesn’t have a safety net for the mildly or even the severely disabled (in some cases). It teaches women and those perceived as women, especially, to hide our pain and fatigue.

After going through these records I decided to break out my old google-fingers and do a little research on adults with hypotonic cerebral palsy- a condition that every doctor and alternative healer I consulted knew I had been diagnosed with- and issues with chronic fatigue. You may be as not-shocked as me to learn that both hypertonic and hypotonic CP patients report chronic fatigue as an issue. Those with hypotonic CP have difficulty building muscle tone, and much of our fatigue could be explained by the fact that it literally takes more energy for us to move than it does a person who can more easily build muscle tone. Yet every time I asked a doctor if I might be tired because I have CP, they always responded “no.” Often, they would look to my depression diagnosis and say that had to be the cause, but the only reason I have ever been diagnosed with depression in the first place is that I complained of chronic fatigue. How maddening.

As I said in the first paragraph of this meandering post, my reasons for sharing this on my professional blog are complex and personal and for once in my life I’m not actually going to detail all of them! But if you take anything away from reading this, I want it to be that I, and others anywhere on the disability spectrum, are deserving of kind and informed treatment from everyone in our lives. It is my belief that there needs to be drastic change in our society before true disability accommodations (for many) can be achieved, but until then just let some of us be sexy people who need a lot of R&R. Or whatever it is that we need to be to try our best to fit in.

2019 Announcements

If you’re a Kitty Karlyle super fan, you probably already know that I am moving to Maryland at the end of December (this month), 2018. When I first moved to the DC area I told myself I was only ever going to move into the District, if anywhere (I currently live in Arlington). And I guess I technically moved into the District with a workspace near Logan Circle? But life is filled with numerous twists and turns that one cannot predict, and thus my roommate/ partner’s work has led us to MD. Seems like a nice enough place though! I am excited to be living closer to Baltimore in the very near future.

I am going to make a few changes to how I operate this wing of my career in 2019, and I’d like to take this opportunity to share them with you!

I will be taking more time to concentrate on the other wing of my career, writing!
The bad news about this is that I will definitely not be taking any same day appointments going forward, which I pretty much already haven’t been. The good news, though, is that I am still available in the DC area, and now more available for prebooked dates in Maryland and especially Baltimore! Just please be aware that if you found me difficult to schedule with before, that is probably going to be even more true in 2019. I very much appreciate everyone who is already respectful of my scheduling needs, and I appreciate those of you who support me pursuing my other interests! If you ever told me “you should write a memoir,” I listened and will be working on lots of different writing projects, including the real stories of my life.

I will be lowering my outcall rates!
I am keeping my workspace in downtown DC for at least a few months, if not longer- but I have always loved outcalls and want to encourage y’all to have me come visit you! Outcalls to anywhere in Maryland and DC will be starting at $600 for 1 hour. I want to spend a lot more time in Baltimore, so give me an excuse to drive out there!

Art porn!
Rejoice, for I am interested in creating more video content. However, I will not be concentrating on camming or custom videos- I encourage anyone who wants one on one time with me to do that in person the next time you find yourself in the DMV, Denver or NYC area (if our schedules line up, of course! See item number 1). I’m going to be putting my efforts toward creating adult content that is in line with my interests, which means it’s going to be a little offbeat and “arty,” still smutty though don’t worry.

Happy holidays to all you lovely perverts, and I look forward to seeing you in 2019.