Choose Your Own Sex-Venture, Or: Orgasms are Not Necessary for Good Sex

I’d like to start this post out by confessing something: I orgasm easily, on my own & during partner sex, but I do not orgasm hard easily. Not everyone experiences a full spectrum of orgasm, but I am someone who does— I often describe it as going down a staircase or various levels in a dungeon, if you will. When I am having partner sex, I am likely to have a 1-3 levels down orgasm when they do clitoral stimulation on me. I have, on occasion, had orgasms from penetration alone, which I would put in the same 1-3 level category. At times, partners have been able to get me to levels further down with clitoral stim, and I am often able to get myself to very deep dungeon levels of orgasm with a combination of penetration and myself doing the clitoral stimulation. However, in order to experience a level 10 or 11 orgasm, I need a vibrator. Those are usually the orgasms that make me squirt, though I have had some partners (like 2 in my life, don’t get too excited) who have been able to make me squirt with their hand on my g-spot. I’m actually not really a big fan of that method, though! It’s kind of rough on my pussy.

(However, if you’re interested in seeing it happen the one time it was caught on film, you can purchase that clip here or here. I did have soreness the next day but it was worth it!)

Now that I’ve got your attention with all these intimate, salacious details and porn links I have another confession: my orgasms are not important to me when it comes to partner sex, and if someone can’t “make me cum” I don’t think any less of their sexual prowess. In fact, how do I put this delicately… if your main goal in a sexual encounter with me is my orgasm(s), that’s a lot of pressure and not really sexy! It’s probably not less likely to make me cum, because as I stated that’s pretty easy. But it is less likely to make me have one of those more elusive hard orgasms.

A recent study
showed that while men tend to say they’re interested in making their female partners orgasm for egalitarian reasons, the real reasons behind this desire had more to do with their perceived masculinity and ego. Believe me, I totally get it: I absolutely love the rush of making someone cum, as well. It’s validating! It’s affirming. It’s a wonderful thing to share with others. But you know, it’s just not gonna happen every time, with everyone.

Every sexual experience is unique. Feels like an obvious statement, but when it comes to our expectations around sex I think many people fall into the trap of expecting everyone to have the same sexual responses, the same things that turn them on, the same reaction to touch or dirty talk or roleplay or costumes. Even if you have sex with the same person for years upon years, you won’t have the same experience with them every time. And take it from me: the responses of your sex partner will change over the years. Their interest will ebb and flow, and their sexual response and orgasms will as well. With all this in mind, the best advice I can give to anyone who is looking to “make” their partners cum is to back off the idea that you will be the one to do it, and try collaborating instead. Some of my best sexual experiences involved multiple, hard, squirting orgasms for me. Conversely, I have whole other sets of amazing sexual experiences that involved no orgasms for me. One thing they all had in common, though:

No pressure on me, or my partner(s), to have any particular response. Sex is best when you let go and just enjoy the company of friends and the pleasure of touch!